How grief shaped my relationship with money

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Cherry blossoms in the rain (South Korea, 2016)

Last night I lay in bed, unable to sleep, trying to decide if I should write this post or not. I was torn between it being either too personal or coming across as unfeeling and callous. But the truth is that while this blog is primarily focused on the money, money and particularly The Brat Experiment are inherently about much more than just money. They are about life, and more specifically my life. Our financial decisions are so intertwined in personal choice, personal values and personal experience that only a crazy person would try to pretend that they are not. And so this blog post is a recognition of that: a recognition of the messy, overlapping, wonderful highs and unthinkable lows of life (whether it’s financial or personal) and how they shape us.

Today I am sad. I am sad because today marks 16 years since my Mom died. For those of my dear Readers who struggle with Maths or aren’t familiar with the intricacies of psychosocial development, this basically means that my Mom died at one of the worst possible times in my development that she could have. To say that her death has had a profound impact on my life is a mammoth understatement. Her death has impacted on me and my identity more deeply than most parent deaths do. Unsurprisingly then, her death has also had a profound impact on how I view money. And so, today, I thought that I would voice those lessons that impact on how I deal with money:

  1. People die. Rather obvious I know, dear Reader. But I state it because most of us ignore the next logical step from this statement. And this step, the real bugger, is that, dear Reader, you will die too. How kak is that?! And we have very little control over when or how this happens. The implication of all of this is that plans sometimes get cut short and so we shouldn’t leave our happiness and dreams for the end of our lives (traditional retirement) because the reality is that we just might not get there. This means that I am happy to take slightly longer to reach Early Retirement/Financial Independence because I want to have a good quality of life and tick things off my dream list while getting there.
  2. Always ensure you have an updated Will and Testament. My Mom didn’t. She updated it after she got married but never updated it after she had kids. Thank goodness this wasn’t too much of an issue financially as my Dad was the main breadwinner. But even my 13 year old brain could see the potential financial disaster at the time. Planning is key. Chatting about what you want to happen should something happen to you is key. And giving yourself the opportunity of being heard when you no longer have a voice is vital (especially if you have a lot of money that could make things complicated for those left behind!).
  3. Perspective. Your relationship with your loved ones and your relationship with yourself are without a doubt the two most important things in life. Spending time with and making time for your loved ones is important. Looking after yourself is important. Making memories is important. Going on holidays together should be a priority. Money is not. Money is simply and only a means to an end. If something goes wrong financially I know that in the scheme of things it’s ok, it’s only money. It can be replaced. But this perspective is also why I want to retire early: I want the freedom of being able to prioritise my life around my loved ones rather than around the need to make money.
  4. Bad things will happen. Horrific, unimaginable fuck-ups will occur from time to time (both financially and personally). But you will survive. Even when you have NO clue how and NOTHING more to give, that damn sun will keep coming up. And somehow things will start to shift, you will start to adapt to the new order of things and somehow, miraculously, you will find your way out. Even if our finances were in a complete disaster and miles from where we wanted them to be. Even if we have a horrible, miles-over-budget week in The Brat Experiment. Even if today is unredeemable. I know that tomorrow is another day. And I can try again. What a privilege.    
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    Road tripping to see my brother (South Africa, 2016)

    Xxx

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Wine, Brie and Our Money Values

Last weekend Husband and I bought a bottle of wine, some brie cheese and sat down to try and figure out what our values are with regards to money. Obviously food is right up there 😉

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Our figure-out-what-our-money-values-are picnic 🙂 

What struck me the most about the whole conversation though was that in 8 and a half years of being together this was the first time we have ever had a big picture chat about money and our values with regards to money. We chat about individual purchases and how much money each of us has but never about our overall philosophy towards money. How strange is that, dear Reader?!?! As a couple we talk a LOT, so why not about this? Is there something somehow taboo about talking about money? Or is the concept of pairing our values with our spending simply not part of our culture?

Despite our lack of previous conversations, we actually found it quite easy for us to do 🙂 This is what we came up with :

IMG_2506 - edittedClearly, time is one of our top priorities. And so it makes perfect sense why we are do drawn to the Early Retirement concept – it lets us be in complete control of how we use our time. Learning skills/up-skilling ourselves also fits in beautifully with the Early Retirement philosophy.

The good food and alcohol is definitely our biggest weakness in terms of spending more cash than we would ideally like to…

The rest of our values we are pretty controlled about though 🙂 I LOVE books but am really good about only buying from second-hand bookstores (old books smell the best anyway!) or sale/free books on my Kindle. Photography is an expensive value but thank goodness we have already bought most of the kit. I have been dreaming of a wide angle lens and a small, waterproof point and shoot camera for years though… Husband also already has all the gear for fishing. And good shoes are bought sparingly and worn until they have holes (i.e. for years) and only then replaced.

We also thought that it might be useful to list things that are definitely not important to us and this is what we came up with: IMG_2507 - editted.jpg

Don’t get me wrong, we enjoy all of these things, but we don’t think that they’re particularly valuable. For the most part our spending already reflects this… with the only exception being gadgets…. particularly in Korea: the land of awesome, cheap electronics. The challenge to resist is real, dear Reader.

Our biggest challenge though is that we’re not sure how we feel about generosity and gifts. We definitely love giving gifts and offering to pay for dinner or drinks etc… and I don’t think that’s something we would like to give up. However, it can very easily get out of control and result in us dropping a significant amount of money without us even realising it…

The most valuable thing about this conversation though was that it weirdly set us free. Suddenly our decisions about whether to spend money on things became so much simpler. Either a purchase was in line with our values or it wasn’t. It also gave us permission to spend money on things that we really want, are in line with out values but since The Brat Experiment have felt too guilty to actually buy. In other words, it improved our quality of life. Well played The Brat Experiment, well played… 🙂

Xxx

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Husband’s home brewed beer (he bought after this conversation) – and what a happy chap he is! (Also it turns out it’s going to be cheaper per beer than buying it in the shops!)